Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do. Even though it hurts, that's what you have to do.Letting go can be one of the most rewarding, powerful, and difficult things you can do for yourself.
I'm at that point. I've been secretly holding on to a relationship, deep down inside. My heart doesn't want to let go, even though my mind and my gut know its the right thing to do.
After I wrote this, I went back and thought about why this makes me so angry and upset. I shouldn't be mad at you because this happens, because I feel this way. I let myself feel this way. But I am mad at you. I'm mad that you make me feel this way. I know its inadvertent and unintentional. But that doesn't change the fact that it makes me angry. Very angry. And jealous, and envious, and all these other dark emotions that I don't like to have, that I try to avoid and push back down into the dark hole hidden under the pretty rug in the living room.
It makes me jealous because I want to know why I'm not the one you say "we" about. I want to be the girlfriend, I don't want to be the one that you hide from the family, the other woman. And I want to be the "we" very badly. Why am I not good enough to be the other half of the "we"?
I choose to be in this situation. I could leave at any time, there isn't a single thing holding me to you other than my own feelings. And those feelings (that I like) are making me feel these other feelings (that I don't like). Am I mad at myself? Is this just bringing up demons of not feeling worthy?
I wrote out this email, saying just what I said above. And the first thought that pops into my head is the devil's advocate. You're not the other half of that pair because you want to maintain your independence, you don't want to be there. You haven't known each other long enough to be part of that "we", the walls haven't come down enough for that to happen. And I can't let my walls down completely with you, *because* you're in an open relationship. But if I want to be a part of that pair, I have to let the walls down and accept being part of that pair.
You want to know something that really bothers me. You say you love me, and you don't want this to end, but 'you and I' take second place to you. Do you think that I would be happy with second place?
Every time you talk about her, doing things with her, you say "we".
The "we" that is implied by society, the pairing that everyone submliminally understands. You're a couple, she's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend. No matter how much you say you care, no matter how much you say that you love me, no matter how important you say this is to you, you and I are not the "we" in your life.
I don't know if its habit, if its the amount of time you have been together. But that tells me a lot about how you truly feel. It speaks volumes. And that is why I feel like the other woman.
That makes me phenomenally jealous, because I want to be part of the "we", one half of the pair. And right at this moment, I want to walk away. I feel tiny and dark saying this, but it makes me want to hurt you the way this hurts me.
