Every Step of the Way....

I will walk with you and never leave you stranded

I read this quote this morning on Facebook and I had a life-changing moment. 

Because of Facebook. 

To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel making that statement - life changing moment because of facebook - but it is what it is, can't go back. 

Back to my point. 

I've been reading through all these books and blogs about finding your life's purpose, the things that inherently matter to you, the goals that really fulfill you or the things that you really need in life to feel fulfilled, happy, complete. I read through one exercise that said to open up a blank sheet of paper, and at the top write or type out "What is my Life Purpose?", and then just start writing, stream of consiousness.  And do it over, and over, and over, and over again until it makes you cry. (I haven't been successful at this one yet, but I've given it a couple of chances, and will do so again until I can get it!) I read another exercise that told you to look through a list of characteristics, actions, ideas, and to see which one resonated most strongly with you. I read that, and my first thought was - "What exactly does that mean? - which one resonates most strongly with me? What does that mean? How does that feel?" I was very confused.  

Well, today I was looking through facebook, and it happened. 

I read a quote by Rumi, "Every step of the way, I will walk with you and never leave you stranded" and I felt that resonance. There was a lovely picture that went with it of an older couple walking along an empty beach leaning on each other, but it was the quote that really hit me.  My first thought was "yes, that's it! That's what I want." There was relief, and an A-ha feeling deep in my gut, like I totally identified with this thought deep down in the caverns, the foundation, of my soul.  It was awesome.  It did bring a little tear to my eye, to feel it, and know it, and recognize it for what it is.  THAT is what I want to feel, that is what I need in my life.  I want someone to be there, who will always be willing to help in the way that I need. I don't want someone to take care of me, to save me, to do everything for me, I want someone that will be there and not leave me stranded. Someone that will let me take care of myself, but will back me up when it feels like its too much.

It might not be what you're looking for in your life, but I'm so excited that I understand!   I understand that feeling that these people were talking about, what it is that I'm looking for, and will be able to recognize it when it happens. Hopefully it will happen again soon in the future.  Little stars of positive encouragement are helpful in keeping on the right track! 

Every step of the way

I will walk with you and never leave you stranded

Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every step of the way

I will walk with you and never leave you stranded

Rumi

What's on your Whole Life Grid?

Over the holidays I drove home, and listened to a very interesting book on the long drive called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.  

One of the things I liked was the concept of the whole life grid.The idea of the whole life grid is to consider the 9 different things that you need in your life to feel fulfilled. Take a piece of paper, draw three vertical lines, and three horizontal lines. In the boxes write down the things that make you feel fulfilled and make you feel that you have a meaningful life.  Focusing on the things that you need to have a fulfilling life and make yourself happy helps to take your own internal account of where you are in your life.  Whether you are really fulfilling yourself and living a balanced life, living the life you want.  When you figure out what those things are, you can more easily see the areas that might need a little more attention.  

You can do the whole life grid multiple times each year, re-evaluate your goals as they change.  The first time you go through this filling up the nine boxes might seem difficult.  Or it could seem too easy, with many other needs or areas that don't fit into the nine boxes.  

My first attempt included

family : love : travel

education : friends : books & music

creativity : environment : yoga.  

These are the areas that I feel I need to focus on to fulfill my dreams, to help figure out what I want to do in life, my path, figuring out the journey. I read a really great post about this at ProfHacker

Naivete in Conversation

Boyfriend thinks that I’m naïve; he said that he doesn’t understand how I don’t have guards up.  Or that the guards I do have up are so different from what other women have. He thinks its strange that I don’t assume men want to hit on me, that I assume that they want to have an interesting conversation. He says it constantly perplexes him that I have such an innocent outlook towards men.  He thinks he only sees that innocent, naïve outlook in kids, or people that haven’t been hurt by men or relationships or life.  So essentially no one! I think some of it goes back to self-worth and conditioning.  Most of my girlfriends are magnets for men, and constantly want their attention.  So when I would go out to socialize or meet people, most of the time the guys would be interested in my girlfriends – the hot ones, the blonde bombshell, the red-headed vixen, the exotic brunette.  I wasn’t interested in having some guy pick me up and having a one-night stand, I didn’t seek out their attention.  I would rather have an interesting conversation with an interesting person than get a guys phone number. So I take every conversation as a chance meeting, and don’t expect anything more from it.  It could last for 10 minutes or 10 months, but you never know how long that conversation will last, and you should enjoy it for what it is.  Its one of the few situations in my life where I can truly and easily ‘live in the moment’. I don’t have expectations or assumptions about where a conversation will lead. 

 

Leverage point

Something to think about this year.....Something to act on this year

What's the # 1 change you could make/ goal you could achieve/ problem you could solve that would have the biggest positive influence in your life?

Leverage point

Something to think about this year.....Something to act on this year

What's the # 1 change you could make/ goal you could achieve/ problem you could solve that would have the biggest positive influence in your life?

Femininity vs. Masculinity and your deepest desires

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We were talking about what things we desire out of a relationship, both physically and emotionally, what things our partners do to make us feel a certain way.  It was interesting because when you talk about what you 'desire' it automatically seems physical.  While that was part of the conversation, it was mostly mental/emotional.  I realized some things that I regret. 

One of the things that I recently realized that I desire is to not have to be tough, to be sweet and kind. I'm so tired of being tough and strong. I associate those things with masculinity, being tough.  At my day job, I don't feel I can be very girly or feminine. I have to be smart and analytical and logical and tough to be taken seriously. I have to suppress any sexuality, essentially being asexual, in my job. I don't think that's a positive or holistic way to live your life.  And I think that has spread out into other areas of my life. I desire to let the femininity take over completely, let go of the masculinity.  Let someone else have the masculinity completely overtake them, and then those two opposites come together. Like yin and yang I guess.  I'm not trying to say that being feminine means being not being strong or tough, I know some very strong women.

My friend responded that he loved unbridled, unashamed femininity.  This open femininity strengthens and masculinizes him.  The two opposites meeting and melding and playing off each other. The openness and intimacy and trust are what makes him feel very masculine. When a woman trusts him that he will hold her heart sacred for what it is, that he won't abuse or toy with her emotions, it allows him to fully express his own desire and masculinity.  That in those two opposites they are completely present, mentally, physically, emotionally.  And she gives herself to him completely, just like he gives himself to her completely, letting the joy and playfulness of two open, loving hearts that are unafraid of judgment or rejection fulfill them.. His significant other is a lucky woman.  The give and take of the two opposites, and letting those opposites take you, are what make us feel energized.  

When we were talking about this, it made me so sad to realize that there was a person that I love very deeply, who desperately wanted this, and I was too scared to give him that.  Too scared to let go of the toughness that I had accumulated and had become such a part of my professional life. I was scared that by giving in to that desire, I would lose myself.  In the end I lost myself anyway. I literally felt my heart sinking when I realized this. I'm so sorry I couldn't do this, in a way I can't possibly convey. 

2013.... a wonderful number and year

2013 is going to be a wonderful year.  Even if it did get off to a very rocky start.... which included me being sick. My New Year's Resolutions are set, and the over-riding theme is to be more productive.  Or be less lazy, whichever way you look at it.

• Spend at least an hour every day getting my "sweat" on to better myself. For my purposes this includes a physical or mental workout to improve my situation - running, swimming, dancing, yoga, meditation, etc.  
• Read at least 2 books a month from a list of books that I've compiled and let grow out of control for the past few years.  
• Work on starting a business with my friend, put it into action!
• Promote my self-confidence and femininity- which I seem to misplace on a regular basis, but other times its front and center.
• Write in a journal and be more self - aware and in the moment.  Keep a gratitude journal or jar. 
• Write! Work on one or two of the stories I've been playing around with and get them published.
• Figure out what I want to do with my life... career wise. Get a path and a plan going so I don't feel like I'm floundering. 
• Be Happier, live in the now, be more productive and stop worrying!

I accomplished several of my goals last year, here's hoping I can make 2013 as great of a year as last year was. More later...

Letting go

Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do.  Even though it hurts, that's what you have to do.Letting go can be one of the most rewarding, powerful, and difficult things you can do for yourself. 

I'm at that point. I've been secretly holding on to a relationship, deep down inside. My heart doesn't want to let go, even though my mind and my gut know its the right thing to do.  

Re-Pairing up

After I wrote this, I went back and thought about why this makes me so angry and upset.  I shouldn't be mad at you because this happens, because I feel this way.  I let myself feel this way. But I am mad at you.  I'm mad that you make me feel this way.  I know its inadvertent and unintentional.  But that doesn't change the fact that it makes me angry. Very angry. And jealous, and envious, and all these other dark emotions that I don't like to have, that I try to avoid and push back down into the dark hole hidden under the pretty rug in the living room. 

It makes me jealous because I want to know why I'm not the one you say "we" about.  I want to be the girlfriend, I don't want to be the one that you hide from the family, the other woman. And I want to be the "we" very badly. Why am I not good enough to be the other half of the "we"?  

I choose to be in this situation.  I could leave at any time, there isn't a single thing holding me to you other than my own feelings.  And those feelings (that I like) are making me feel these other feelings (that I don't like). Am I mad at myself? Is this just bringing up demons of not feeling worthy?  

I wrote out this email, saying just what I said above.  And the first thought that pops into my head is the devil's advocate.  You're not the other half of that pair because you want to maintain your independence, you don't want to be there.  You haven't known each other long enough to be part of that "we", the walls haven't come down enough for that to happen.  And I can't let my walls down completely with you, *because* you're in an open relationship.  But if I want to be a part of that pair, I have to let the walls down and accept being part of that pair. 

 

Pairing up

You want to know something that really bothers me.  You say you love me, and you don't want this to end, but 'you and I' take second place to you.  Do you think that I would be happy with second place?

Every time you talk about her, doing things with her, you say "we".

The "we" that is implied by society, the pairing that everyone submliminally understands.  You're a couple, she's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend.  No matter how much you say you care, no matter how much you say that you love me, no matter how important you say this is to you, you and I are not the "we" in your life.  

I don't know if its habit, if its the amount of time you have been together.  But that tells me a lot about how you truly feel. It speaks volumes. And that is why I feel like the other woman.  

That makes me phenomenally jealous, because I want to be part of the "we", one half of the pair. And right at this moment, I want to walk away. I feel tiny and dark saying this, but it makes me want to hurt you the way this hurts me.  

 

How to treat a lady

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.

So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”

― Bob Marley

The Push and Pull of Relationships

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."
-- Sydney J. Harris

Relationships are such a challenge because life pulls us in opposite directions at the same time.

Our personality feels the need to be unique and special and so our focus lies on how we are different from others. Differences hold the potential to create conflict.

At the same time, our souls live through connection with others. We are challenged to rise above our personal preferences to discover how we and the other are the same.

Our overall need lies in balancing these two tendencies.

"The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation."
-- Andrew Schneider

Post from The Inner Journey on Higher Awareness 

 

Standing in the background

I realized that I am hesistant to put myself out there.  Very hesitant I want to belong to something, to a group, to people, a family, but I don't want to be contained by that.  In high school, I had a small group of friends that were my very close-knit circle.  We weren't part of any of the big groups - the jocks, the nerds, the band geeks, the slackers, the druggie kids, the cheerleaders, etc. But we moved between and with most of those groups.  With them on the periphery, but never really part of the core.  We were a group unto ourselves.  And there were a lot of advantages to that. 

But this also makes me realize that I am a commitment-phobic.  I want to belong, but I don't want to commit or be tied down to that group.  Defined by that group.  

Maybe I just can't accept all the things that I'm interested in, I can't accept the way I would judge myself, and the way I think others would judge me. 

If I want to belong then I need to commit. 

History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

Confidence and strength

I find that in order to be confident I can't be open. For me to feel confident, I can't let people in, i have to have that distance, that wall up.I feel closed off, I can't feel vulnerable and open. I need to change that feeling, I need to be confident, strong, and open and vulnerable. The question is how?

Finding the amazing me

A few years ago, I was happy being on my own. I felt strong, confident, fun, smart, sparkling and shiny. This was a big step for an only child that has never liked being alone. And I met an amazing man, and we fell in love. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that shiny happy girl. I don't know what happened. On the outside I still appear to be smart, collected, witty.... But I don't feel that way on the inside. I feel small, scared, vulnerable, lost.... And almost powerless to make the changes I know are necessary because I have no idea where to begin. I'm standing at a starting point, I know there's a path before me, but I can't see if for the swirling fog of my thoughts, emotions, and fears. I need to make that first step. But which way Is the right way to go?

Untethered

I feel unattached, rootless, broken.
A significant relationship ended, one that I relied on, that was part of my foundation. And the overwhelming thing that I feel... Is afloat. I wanted so badly to feel that sense of belonging. That I belonged to someone, and they belonged to me. Instead of this feeling that I'm drifting through life not really being noticed. Or if I am noticed, it's only peripherally. I go places and see things, and I wonder if it leaves an impression on people. I know it leaves an impression in me.

Change

"The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it."
— Marcus Aurelius

How did such a wise man with such wise words cope with unwelcome change?

Belonging

What does it mean to "belong"? Coming from a small family, growing up away from my extended families, and living far away from my family I often feel that I don't belong. I can be sitting in a room full of people that I enjoy being with, and that enjoy being with me... But I still get that feeling that I don't really fit in, I don't really belong. It's a strange feeling to be in the middle of 100 people you know and feel ungrounded. Like there's nothing holding you to this place, these people. Untethered.
So what does it mean to "belong"?