I realized that I am hesistant to put myself out there. Very hesitant I want to belong to something, to a group, to people, a family, but I don't want to be contained by that. In high school, I had a small group of friends that were my very close-knit circle. We weren't part of any of the big groups - the jocks, the nerds, the band geeks, the slackers, the druggie kids, the cheerleaders, etc. But we moved between and with most of those groups. With them on the periphery, but never really part of the core. We were a group unto ourselves. And there were a lot of advantages to that.
But this also makes me realize that I am a commitment-phobic. I want to belong, but I don't want to commit or be tied down to that group. Defined by that group.
Maybe I just can't accept all the things that I'm interested in, I can't accept the way I would judge myself, and the way I think others would judge me.
If I want to belong then I need to commit.
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