Confidence and strength

I find that in order to be confident I can't be open. For me to feel confident, I can't let people in, i have to have that distance, that wall up.I feel closed off, I can't feel vulnerable and open. I need to change that feeling, I need to be confident, strong, and open and vulnerable. The question is how?

Finding the amazing me

A few years ago, I was happy being on my own. I felt strong, confident, fun, smart, sparkling and shiny. This was a big step for an only child that has never liked being alone. And I met an amazing man, and we fell in love. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that shiny happy girl. I don't know what happened. On the outside I still appear to be smart, collected, witty.... But I don't feel that way on the inside. I feel small, scared, vulnerable, lost.... And almost powerless to make the changes I know are necessary because I have no idea where to begin. I'm standing at a starting point, I know there's a path before me, but I can't see if for the swirling fog of my thoughts, emotions, and fears. I need to make that first step. But which way Is the right way to go?

Untethered

I feel unattached, rootless, broken.
A significant relationship ended, one that I relied on, that was part of my foundation. And the overwhelming thing that I feel... Is afloat. I wanted so badly to feel that sense of belonging. That I belonged to someone, and they belonged to me. Instead of this feeling that I'm drifting through life not really being noticed. Or if I am noticed, it's only peripherally. I go places and see things, and I wonder if it leaves an impression on people. I know it leaves an impression in me.

Change

"The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it."
— Marcus Aurelius

How did such a wise man with such wise words cope with unwelcome change?

Belonging

What does it mean to "belong"? Coming from a small family, growing up away from my extended families, and living far away from my family I often feel that I don't belong. I can be sitting in a room full of people that I enjoy being with, and that enjoy being with me... But I still get that feeling that I don't really fit in, I don't really belong. It's a strange feeling to be in the middle of 100 people you know and feel ungrounded. Like there's nothing holding you to this place, these people. Untethered.
So what does it mean to "belong"?

The eight ways of giving

One gives spontaneously; One gives out of fear; or because of thinking "He too has given me a gift"; or because of thinking "He will give me a present, too"; or because of thinking it is good to give; or because of thinking "I cook, but they do not"; or because of thinking "By giving, I will earn a good reputation";
or because it ennobles the mind.


This makes me realize that there are a lot of things in my life that I am not doing because of fear, because I am afraid of the consequences.  Amazing opportunities are ahead of me every day, and I don't take them because I am afraid of the potential consequences.  I need to embrace that fear, not let it hold me back.  
I only have this life that I get to live, Fear should not keep me from living it to the fullest.

Juice Fast Day 5

Tired, very, very tired.  Still not hungry, but things are moving again, luckily.  

I tried the tomato juice again, but it left a nasty metallic taste in the back of my throat that won't go away no matter how much water I drink.  A piece of bread would take care of the problem.  And I could chew it.
Friday the 13th is a wonderful day, because today is the last day of the juice fast!