Standing in the background

I realized that I am hesistant to put myself out there.  Very hesitant I want to belong to something, to a group, to people, a family, but I don't want to be contained by that.  In high school, I had a small group of friends that were my very close-knit circle.  We weren't part of any of the big groups - the jocks, the nerds, the band geeks, the slackers, the druggie kids, the cheerleaders, etc. But we moved between and with most of those groups.  With them on the periphery, but never really part of the core.  We were a group unto ourselves.  And there were a lot of advantages to that. 

But this also makes me realize that I am a commitment-phobic.  I want to belong, but I don't want to commit or be tied down to that group.  Defined by that group.  

Maybe I just can't accept all the things that I'm interested in, I can't accept the way I would judge myself, and the way I think others would judge me. 

If I want to belong then I need to commit. 

History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

Confidence and strength

I find that in order to be confident I can't be open. For me to feel confident, I can't let people in, i have to have that distance, that wall up.I feel closed off, I can't feel vulnerable and open. I need to change that feeling, I need to be confident, strong, and open and vulnerable. The question is how?

Finding the amazing me

A few years ago, I was happy being on my own. I felt strong, confident, fun, smart, sparkling and shiny. This was a big step for an only child that has never liked being alone. And I met an amazing man, and we fell in love. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that shiny happy girl. I don't know what happened. On the outside I still appear to be smart, collected, witty.... But I don't feel that way on the inside. I feel small, scared, vulnerable, lost.... And almost powerless to make the changes I know are necessary because I have no idea where to begin. I'm standing at a starting point, I know there's a path before me, but I can't see if for the swirling fog of my thoughts, emotions, and fears. I need to make that first step. But which way Is the right way to go?

Untethered

I feel unattached, rootless, broken.
A significant relationship ended, one that I relied on, that was part of my foundation. And the overwhelming thing that I feel... Is afloat. I wanted so badly to feel that sense of belonging. That I belonged to someone, and they belonged to me. Instead of this feeling that I'm drifting through life not really being noticed. Or if I am noticed, it's only peripherally. I go places and see things, and I wonder if it leaves an impression on people. I know it leaves an impression in me.

Change

"The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it."
— Marcus Aurelius

How did such a wise man with such wise words cope with unwelcome change?