Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do. Even though it hurts, that's what you have to do.Letting go can be one of the most rewarding, powerful, and difficult things you can do for yourself.
I'm at that point. I've been secretly holding on to a relationship, deep down inside. My heart doesn't want to let go, even though my mind and my gut know its the right thing to do.
After I wrote this, I went back and thought about why this makes me so angry and upset. I shouldn't be mad at you because this happens, because I feel this way. I let myself feel this way. But I am mad at you. I'm mad that you make me feel this way. I know its inadvertent and unintentional. But that doesn't change the fact that it makes me angry. Very angry. And jealous, and envious, and all these other dark emotions that I don't like to have, that I try to avoid and push back down into the dark hole hidden under the pretty rug in the living room.
It makes me jealous because I want to know why I'm not the one you say "we" about. I want to be the girlfriend, I don't want to be the one that you hide from the family, the other woman. And I want to be the "we" very badly. Why am I not good enough to be the other half of the "we"?
I choose to be in this situation. I could leave at any time, there isn't a single thing holding me to you other than my own feelings. And those feelings (that I like) are making me feel these other feelings (that I don't like). Am I mad at myself? Is this just bringing up demons of not feeling worthy?
I wrote out this email, saying just what I said above. And the first thought that pops into my head is the devil's advocate. You're not the other half of that pair because you want to maintain your independence, you don't want to be there. You haven't known each other long enough to be part of that "we", the walls haven't come down enough for that to happen. And I can't let my walls down completely with you, *because* you're in an open relationship. But if I want to be a part of that pair, I have to let the walls down and accept being part of that pair.
You want to know something that really bothers me. You say you love me, and you don't want this to end, but 'you and I' take second place to you. Do you think that I would be happy with second place?
Every time you talk about her, doing things with her, you say "we".
The "we" that is implied by society, the pairing that everyone submliminally understands. You're a couple, she's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend. No matter how much you say you care, no matter how much you say that you love me, no matter how important you say this is to you, you and I are not the "we" in your life.
I don't know if its habit, if its the amount of time you have been together. But that tells me a lot about how you truly feel. It speaks volumes. And that is why I feel like the other woman.
That makes me phenomenally jealous, because I want to be part of the "we", one half of the pair. And right at this moment, I want to walk away. I feel tiny and dark saying this, but it makes me want to hurt you the way this hurts me.
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.
So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”
― Bob Marley"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."
-- Sydney J. Harris
Relationships are such a challenge because life pulls us in opposite directions at the same time.
Our personality feels the need to be unique and special and so our focus lies on how we are different from others. Differences hold the potential to create conflict.
At the same time, our souls live through connection with others. We are challenged to rise above our personal preferences to discover how we and the other are the same.
Our overall need lies in balancing these two tendencies.
"The purpose of relationships is not happiness, but transformation."
-- Andrew Schneider
Post from The Inner Journey on Higher Awareness
I realized that I am hesistant to put myself out there. Very hesitant I want to belong to something, to a group, to people, a family, but I don't want to be contained by that. In high school, I had a small group of friends that were my very close-knit circle. We weren't part of any of the big groups - the jocks, the nerds, the band geeks, the slackers, the druggie kids, the cheerleaders, etc. But we moved between and with most of those groups. With them on the periphery, but never really part of the core. We were a group unto ourselves. And there were a lot of advantages to that.
But this also makes me realize that I am a commitment-phobic. I want to belong, but I don't want to commit or be tied down to that group. Defined by that group.
Maybe I just can't accept all the things that I'm interested in, I can't accept the way I would judge myself, and the way I think others would judge me.
If I want to belong then I need to commit.
The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart. In 2012, it crumbled and broke. I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost. I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know. Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn. Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything. I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine.
I need to find myself again. I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be. So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey. You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.
But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point. I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person. But I lost that. I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.
I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.
The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart. In 2012, it crumbled and broke. I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost. I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know. Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn. Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything. I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine.
I need to find myself again. I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be. So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey. You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.
But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point. I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person. But I lost that. I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.
I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.
