Leverage point

Something to think about this year.....Something to act on this year

What's the # 1 change you could make/ goal you could achieve/ problem you could solve that would have the biggest positive influence in your life?

Leverage point

Something to think about this year.....Something to act on this year

What's the # 1 change you could make/ goal you could achieve/ problem you could solve that would have the biggest positive influence in your life?

Femininity vs. Masculinity and your deepest desires

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We were talking about what things we desire out of a relationship, both physically and emotionally, what things our partners do to make us feel a certain way.  It was interesting because when you talk about what you 'desire' it automatically seems physical.  While that was part of the conversation, it was mostly mental/emotional.  I realized some things that I regret. 

One of the things that I recently realized that I desire is to not have to be tough, to be sweet and kind. I'm so tired of being tough and strong. I associate those things with masculinity, being tough.  At my day job, I don't feel I can be very girly or feminine. I have to be smart and analytical and logical and tough to be taken seriously. I have to suppress any sexuality, essentially being asexual, in my job. I don't think that's a positive or holistic way to live your life.  And I think that has spread out into other areas of my life. I desire to let the femininity take over completely, let go of the masculinity.  Let someone else have the masculinity completely overtake them, and then those two opposites come together. Like yin and yang I guess.  I'm not trying to say that being feminine means being not being strong or tough, I know some very strong women.

My friend responded that he loved unbridled, unashamed femininity.  This open femininity strengthens and masculinizes him.  The two opposites meeting and melding and playing off each other. The openness and intimacy and trust are what makes him feel very masculine. When a woman trusts him that he will hold her heart sacred for what it is, that he won't abuse or toy with her emotions, it allows him to fully express his own desire and masculinity.  That in those two opposites they are completely present, mentally, physically, emotionally.  And she gives herself to him completely, just like he gives himself to her completely, letting the joy and playfulness of two open, loving hearts that are unafraid of judgment or rejection fulfill them.. His significant other is a lucky woman.  The give and take of the two opposites, and letting those opposites take you, are what make us feel energized.  

When we were talking about this, it made me so sad to realize that there was a person that I love very deeply, who desperately wanted this, and I was too scared to give him that.  Too scared to let go of the toughness that I had accumulated and had become such a part of my professional life. I was scared that by giving in to that desire, I would lose myself.  In the end I lost myself anyway. I literally felt my heart sinking when I realized this. I'm so sorry I couldn't do this, in a way I can't possibly convey. 

2013.... a wonderful number and year

2013 is going to be a wonderful year.  Even if it did get off to a very rocky start.... which included me being sick. My New Year's Resolutions are set, and the over-riding theme is to be more productive.  Or be less lazy, whichever way you look at it.

• Spend at least an hour every day getting my "sweat" on to better myself. For my purposes this includes a physical or mental workout to improve my situation - running, swimming, dancing, yoga, meditation, etc.  
• Read at least 2 books a month from a list of books that I've compiled and let grow out of control for the past few years.  
• Work on starting a business with my friend, put it into action!
• Promote my self-confidence and femininity- which I seem to misplace on a regular basis, but other times its front and center.
• Write in a journal and be more self - aware and in the moment.  Keep a gratitude journal or jar. 
• Write! Work on one or two of the stories I've been playing around with and get them published.
• Figure out what I want to do with my life... career wise. Get a path and a plan going so I don't feel like I'm floundering. 
• Be Happier, live in the now, be more productive and stop worrying!

I accomplished several of my goals last year, here's hoping I can make 2013 as great of a year as last year was. More later...

Letting go

Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do.  Even though it hurts, that's what you have to do.Letting go can be one of the most rewarding, powerful, and difficult things you can do for yourself. 

I'm at that point. I've been secretly holding on to a relationship, deep down inside. My heart doesn't want to let go, even though my mind and my gut know its the right thing to do.  

Re-Pairing up

After I wrote this, I went back and thought about why this makes me so angry and upset.  I shouldn't be mad at you because this happens, because I feel this way.  I let myself feel this way. But I am mad at you.  I'm mad that you make me feel this way.  I know its inadvertent and unintentional.  But that doesn't change the fact that it makes me angry. Very angry. And jealous, and envious, and all these other dark emotions that I don't like to have, that I try to avoid and push back down into the dark hole hidden under the pretty rug in the living room. 

It makes me jealous because I want to know why I'm not the one you say "we" about.  I want to be the girlfriend, I don't want to be the one that you hide from the family, the other woman. And I want to be the "we" very badly. Why am I not good enough to be the other half of the "we"?  

I choose to be in this situation.  I could leave at any time, there isn't a single thing holding me to you other than my own feelings.  And those feelings (that I like) are making me feel these other feelings (that I don't like). Am I mad at myself? Is this just bringing up demons of not feeling worthy?  

I wrote out this email, saying just what I said above.  And the first thought that pops into my head is the devil's advocate.  You're not the other half of that pair because you want to maintain your independence, you don't want to be there.  You haven't known each other long enough to be part of that "we", the walls haven't come down enough for that to happen.  And I can't let my walls down completely with you, *because* you're in an open relationship.  But if I want to be a part of that pair, I have to let the walls down and accept being part of that pair. 

 

Pairing up

You want to know something that really bothers me.  You say you love me, and you don't want this to end, but 'you and I' take second place to you.  Do you think that I would be happy with second place?

Every time you talk about her, doing things with her, you say "we".

The "we" that is implied by society, the pairing that everyone submliminally understands.  You're a couple, she's your girlfriend, you're her boyfriend.  No matter how much you say you care, no matter how much you say that you love me, no matter how important you say this is to you, you and I are not the "we" in your life.  

I don't know if its habit, if its the amount of time you have been together.  But that tells me a lot about how you truly feel. It speaks volumes. And that is why I feel like the other woman.  

That makes me phenomenally jealous, because I want to be part of the "we", one half of the pair. And right at this moment, I want to walk away. I feel tiny and dark saying this, but it makes me want to hurt you the way this hurts me.