History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

History

The last half of 2011, a relationship I thought would last forever started to fall apart.  In 2012, it crumbled and broke.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong person, but I left that relationship completely shattered, shredded, and lost.  I left not knowing who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, anything that an independent, fun, intelligent self-respecting 30 year old should know.  Not long before that, someone came into my life that I believe had something to share with me, to teach me that I really, really needed to learn.  Every single day since then has been a challenge. It has tested my self control, my kindness, my strength, my will power, my sanity, everything.  I'm wading through the darkness, looking for that glimmer of sunshine. 

I need to find myself again.  I need to put myself out there. I need to find what makes me happy, who I am, who I want to be.  So here I am, I'm going to document what I need to do to find myself, which I know is a lifelong journey.  You never stop learning new things about yourself, others, life.

But I need to do something now, I've reached my breaking point.  I have a good life, and I'm a good person, a typically happy person.  But I lost that.  I need to be happy, and to share that happiness. So I"m going to write down the things that make me happy, the things that I'm grateful for, the things that motivate me, and the things that challenge me.

I hope you come along and enjoy the ride.  

Confidence and strength

I find that in order to be confident I can't be open. For me to feel confident, I can't let people in, i have to have that distance, that wall up.I feel closed off, I can't feel vulnerable and open. I need to change that feeling, I need to be confident, strong, and open and vulnerable. The question is how?

Finding the amazing me

A few years ago, I was happy being on my own. I felt strong, confident, fun, smart, sparkling and shiny. This was a big step for an only child that has never liked being alone. And I met an amazing man, and we fell in love. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that shiny happy girl. I don't know what happened. On the outside I still appear to be smart, collected, witty.... But I don't feel that way on the inside. I feel small, scared, vulnerable, lost.... And almost powerless to make the changes I know are necessary because I have no idea where to begin. I'm standing at a starting point, I know there's a path before me, but I can't see if for the swirling fog of my thoughts, emotions, and fears. I need to make that first step. But which way Is the right way to go?

Untethered

I feel unattached, rootless, broken.
A significant relationship ended, one that I relied on, that was part of my foundation. And the overwhelming thing that I feel... Is afloat. I wanted so badly to feel that sense of belonging. That I belonged to someone, and they belonged to me. Instead of this feeling that I'm drifting through life not really being noticed. Or if I am noticed, it's only peripherally. I go places and see things, and I wonder if it leaves an impression on people. I know it leaves an impression in me.

Change

"The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it."
— Marcus Aurelius

How did such a wise man with such wise words cope with unwelcome change?

Belonging

What does it mean to "belong"? Coming from a small family, growing up away from my extended families, and living far away from my family I often feel that I don't belong. I can be sitting in a room full of people that I enjoy being with, and that enjoy being with me... But I still get that feeling that I don't really fit in, I don't really belong. It's a strange feeling to be in the middle of 100 people you know and feel ungrounded. Like there's nothing holding you to this place, these people. Untethered.
So what does it mean to "belong"?